My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im holly from the hills drunk
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize