Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
