i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
