Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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