im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
