You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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