Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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