I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize