ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
