Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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