im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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