my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
