my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
