Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize