If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Im part way to drunk.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize