True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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