He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
