Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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