We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
my liver is dry heaving
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
