also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
