I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
