Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
