he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize