He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
