I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
