you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
