They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
