I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
