you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
