My liver just broke up with me...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
