I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
