You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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