My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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