The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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