Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
