that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My ass is underappreciated
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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