the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
