Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize