Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
