you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
