nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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