Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Couch. On fire.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
