I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you will always have a special place in my vag
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
