ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
