my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You need Xanax blowdarts
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
