Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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