I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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