Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
