Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize