I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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