I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
