I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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