You're my little dorito
why didn't you poke me back
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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