thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
